Relief – A Recovery Story

 

I had been addicted to Heroin for a while by the time I wound up in prison. It wasn’t like I planned it, nobody wants to waste a year of their life behind bars. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel relief my first night there. It wasn’t the first time I had felt relief this way. The first time I felt this kind of relief was the first time I used heroin, 2 years prior.

 The little girl I had been raising for several years was taken from me by her father. I was left with nothing, feeling broken and confused, helpless. My husband at the time was an addict. Strung out on heroin for years. I had given up hope of him ever quitting and by this time, I knew he was using and chose to ignore it. At least with me, I knew he was safe. Laying in my daughter’s bed crying my eyes out, I knew I would hurt forever. My husband would join in on my sorrow for a while, but eventually he would get up to ‘use’. I saw the way the drug changed him from a grief stricken man to a normal person going about his business. His tears would dry up and in their place came a desire to do normal habits like showering and eating. His transformation was intriguing. As I lay down, still in pain, he could take care of business, and I was still useless.

Being a heroin addict….my brutal truth.

People always ask me what it’s like to be a heroin addict. I guess it’s different for everyone so I wont speak on behalf of the entire addict population but I can sure as hell tell you what being a heroin addict was to me.

Being an addict in itself was me not knowing when to stop and quickly crossing that line of not being able to stop. Whether it was meth, xanax or coke, I did them all addictively. But when I found heroin, I fell in love.

At first, being a heroin addict was exciting.

It was meeting dealers, feelin like a bad ass lil white girl in the worst parts of saint louis. It was snorting lines of dope in the bathroom of Kirkwood just to go back to class high as fuck and know I was getting away with it. It was the rebellious side of me thinking that being a junior in high school and snorting meth and heroin made me tough.

6 months later, being a heroin addict had me on my hands and knees searching my car for chunks of dope that I may or may not have dropped. It was licking little gray pebbles to see if they tasted like dope. It was crushing up anything that could be broken down and snorting it hoping it would stop the withdrawals.

By the end of my senior year, a heroin addict was all I was.

Being a heroin addict was having my dealers give me some dope, warn me that this batch has caused numerous people to OD and me being excited cause that meant it was good.

Being a heroin addict turned into me snorting that line of dope because I had too, not because I wanted too.

Once I start, I can’t stop……it stings.

Now batting….Number 16… Stephen Gambale

Let me start by thanking Patricia Byrne for allowing me a voice on her wonderful blog. I strongly believe in the power of the written word and in this day and age, there is no better way to be a powerful voice than social media.

Before I dive in here, I’d like to take the time to discredit myself to all the doctors and social workers who think they have a better understanding of me than I do myself by saying I am NOT a professional. I have no degrees or certificates and nor do I need or want  them. I am a RECOVERED drug addict; meaning a person who no longer suffers from a mental obsession to FEEL GOOD, albeit to drink or use drugs, neglect to pay a bill so I can golf or simply put, any selfish act that makes me happy. I do however have two very VITAL pieces of the puzzle that doctors and clinicians are missing; LIFE EXPERIENCE and the ability to connect and gain the confidence of other addicts and alcoholics. I’ve lived this! I’ve been through it! Seriously, If you were a baseball player and wanted to become the best at it, are you going to go to the stats guy to learn? Or are you going to want to learn from the guy who played; and got really good at it?? Same analogy to “getting better at life” without drugs and alcohol. I’m listening to the guy who has what I want, lives a life that I want to live and got “good at life.” Sorry doc, I know you want to help me, but unfortunately you don’t understand how I THINK. It’s foreign to you; or any normal person in America!