You can take the situation out of the codie ( and I do not mean that in a good way) but you can not take the codie out of the girl. I wish so much that I could reply to every one of you, but I have severe ADD and I already drank 3 diet cokes today😊
Here is what I want to say to each and every person who has messaged me about someone they love with all their heart and can not live with out. Someone they are worried sick about. Someone who is so integral to their very existence, simply, I understand.
Each and every story, while different in their own way all have the same bare bones.
I would never ever think that I have the audacity to channel the voice of a mother,a father ,a sibling , a child; My experience is that of a lover and a partner and that is the point of view that I can speak on, but I do know the gamut of emotions that most of you have run through while dealing with active addiction.
I know your fear, your sadness, your anger. I know your disappointment, your dashed and renewed hopes. I know the messes you have tried to clean up, the money you have spent, the oscar winning speeches you have given, the tantrums you have pulled. I know the gps trackers you have installed, the sleepless nights, the 3 am searches in the worst neighborhoods. I know the bargaining, the pleading, the manipulations and the monumental screaming matches. I know you have threatened drug dealers and knocked down doors in a pair of size 5 flimsy converses. I know when it comes to trying to protect the person you love you are 5ft 2 inches of pure terror( ok, lets face it, I am talking about me on this one😊) ( I am also not suggesting this is a good idea)
I know the birthdays that have been ruined. I know the holidays that have been even more ruined. I know that verizon probably wants to institutionalize you for the 96 phone calls and texts you sent in an hour. I know that you sometimes wish you really were institutionalized. I know the endless support you have given and how you wish for just one day that it could be about you. I know you have panic attacks. I know you look like shit and feel like shit. I know you are trying like Hell to fake like everything is fine. I know you have said things you regret. I know that there were things you wanted to say that you never got a last chance to.
I know that you have turned into someone you don’t recognize; someone bitter and oozing pain from every pore. I know that you feel alone. I know the plans you are afraid to make , because you don’t know where your loved one will be in sobriety on that day. I know you have lost friends. I know people are sick of hearing it. I know you have finally begun to suffer in silence because said people are sick of hearing it. I know you are embarrassed. I know you have lost your shit so epically, many times, that you made Britney 2007 look like an amateur.
I know you have deleted phone numbers, hidden keys, locked up valuables and slept with money on your person. I know you watch breathing patterns. I know you are tired. I know sometimes you wish you would die. I know you have no spoons. I know you do not feel like you can face another day.
More importantly; I know your unconditional love. I know you are doing the best you can do because of that love. I know you don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. I know that watching the person you love turn into the person both you and they hate is tearing your heart out.
I know you have tried every single thing you can possibly do. EVERYTHING except help yourself.
I would not change a single thing about my life
with Ed, I loved him, I adored him and I liked being with him more than any other adult on this planet, but If I could do it all over again, I would have found better ways to take care of ME while leaving the rest up to a higher power( who knew there was one higher than me😊) I could fight beside him, but it wasn’t my battle, it was his. Believe me, I know that is the most frustrating part. We want to do anything humanly possible to keep the people we love safe. If love could have saved my guy he surely would have been immortal.
I would have lectured less, prayed more and just simply loved. Even if at times I had to do that from a distance.
I wish with all my heart, I had answers and soloutions for many of you, I don’t. I can just empathazie, support , pray for and love each and every single one of you who has reached out to me.
I had hope until Ed’s last breath. Where there is life there is hope and I sincerely wish for each and every one of you that hope becomes a reality.
Lots of love and big cyber hugs
~Elizabeth Ann Grundy
45 thoughts on “A Message from Elizabeth Anne Grundy, ‘The Junkie’s Wife’”
My daughter Molly Parks was a heroin addict since she was 17. She passed because of her addiction. Her father made it clear in her obituary that she died of heroin overdose she was 24. The obituary made it around the world because of how candid it was. I miss my girl and think of her every day. Hopefully she helped one person with her addiction story
I’m so so very sorry for your tragic loss. He sounds like he was such an amazing young man. One of a kind. It’s truly heart breaking. I have never been a junkie. But I have helped many of them. They were beautiful people. Actually, some of the most beautiful people. One of them has been clean now for 17 years, as of yesterday, he became my best friend in the world, and helps me help them. One girl who I helped, became like a daughter to me. I loved her so deeply. What a beautiful heart she had. We lost her to heroine. I miss her every day. I agree with you 1000%. And I grieve for you, and with you. And I too, get quite angered by all the judgement and hate we see out here. Maybe together, with your message, and me with mine, we can make some changes. In honor of the loved ones we lost. My prayers are with you, sweetheart. Thank you for writing your heartbreaking yet beautiful story.
Elizabeth-I am you. Your words could not be more true. I married my high school sweetheart and he too fell into active addiction. In January he almost died in our living room. By the grace of God family showed up unexpectedly and Nathan saved his life. If not, the kids and I would have come home hours later and found him dead. It convinced him to go to treatment and I thank God every day. I found support, and it’s helped me to focus on ME. Some days though, those old triggers creep in and I am paralyzed by the fear of what could happen. Your words are empowering. They give me hope. They show me I’m not alone. Thank you! Thank you for being able to articulate what’s in my heart and in my head. Thank you for speaking from our side. Thank you for sharing our side of the story