Here goes nothing.

Our friend Kali, author of Being a heroin addict…..my brutal truth, has started her own blog!

The Heroin Diaries

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Now, keep in mind, I wrote that article with only a couple months clean and only 2 weeks after Dominic had passed. At the time, I really thought I was on top of my shit. I ignorantly believed I had a one up on my addiction. I had just gotten out of rehab for the third time and moved to Chicago. I was staying in a sober living house, going to at least two NA meetings a day and was working the steps with a sponsor. My boyfriends death hadn’t even registered with me at this point. I was just fine, right?

For maybe a month after the article was posted, I did good. I was on a high from all the attention and was still chillin on that cute little pink cloud you float on for the first couple months of sobriety. Life was beautiful… until it wasn’t, until the cravings hit, until I realized my…

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3 thoughts on “Here goes nothing.

  1. Hi, im 21 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend 24 for almost 3 years. My boyfriend is a heroin addict and has been since he was 16, i myself am not, i have never used heroin and never will. I read your blog in an effort to try and understand how he feels and it really touched my heart. My boyfriend doesnt look like a user nor act like one, he doesnt steal or beg to feed his addiction but he will spend our food money, his rent and any money we have on it, he will pawn my stuff and make me feel evil if im not happy about it and its not just the heroin hes using hes also addicted to crack cocaine. He will go days without eating, spend all his money on crack so he doesnt have any left to get well the next day. Neither of us work, he doesnt work as its a massive stuggle holding down a job as well as an addiction and i do not work as i cannot face watching a months worth of wages disappear in 4 days. During our relationship hes been homeless living on the streets (i live with my parents but not allowed boyfriends to stay over) and rather than going home i would stay out with him, i was only 18 but i couldnt face leaving him, i have sat on the streets of London and begged for money for him, i have sat there helplessly night and day watching him withdraw. What i have written so far paints a really bad picture, but under all this hes a good man, he is so good to his family (who dont know hes on drugs) hes good to animals, he has a huge heart and hes so strong inside he always keeps going no matter how hard life gets but with all this going on, i end up getting lost under the chaos and losing myself, i cant make plans or go anywhere or have any friends or any kind of social life, i spend most days hungry, if i get any money i have to spend it getting my boyfriend well. He just doesnt understand the sacrifies ive made for him, i would be willing to do this forever if he only acknowledged how much i do, i was a normal person, id never ever met a heroin or crack user before but i love him so much i just wanted to be with him, i dont want to leave him and i dont know if i could, i just want him to know how much ive been there for him, ive never judged him, ive always supported him but he gets so angry with me, calls me horrible names and hes never hit me in the face but he has hit me, pushed me, pushed me to the floor, pulled my hair, physically thrown me out his house in the middle of the night, thrown things at me, tells me im a loser and little c**t, how do i support him but also make him realise how he treats me? I could go on for ages, ive never posted anything anywhere before, but today after another unessesary argument name calling and him driving off leaving me to walk home in the cold i just dont know what to do anymore, one of his friends summed it up perfectly the other day, i am truely a drug addict without drugs. Thanks for listening.

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    1. I’m sorry I just saw this. Please stop enabling him and take care of yourself. You cannot fix him, he needs to do that himself. Please please find an alanon meeting. Look up codependency and do some research. You are locked into a horrible cycle and need to save yourself. Lorelei Rozzano writes a lot about enabling and codependency. If you love him, and yourself, you will stop enabling him and take care of you. You deserve a life free of drugs 💕
      http://jaggedlittleedges.com/

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  2. You are brave for posting here knowing how judgemental people can be- im 28 years old and have 2 beautiful daughters (2 & 3 yrs old)- right before i met their father, i was in a 5 year relationship with someone who’s best friend was a heroin addict, but like you said, was such a great person overall bc he was so great with his family, etc etc. Little did I know at the time amd throughout my whole relationship, i had no idea my bf was using heroin as well. I was very judgemental towards his friend and little did i know my bf, who didn’t even like taking motrin for a headache, was also using. The anger problems are something that come with addiction. Even when you don’t mean to say hurtful things, these druvs change the hormone amd chemical balance which cause happiness (dopamine) and you can see the rage in their eyes once you understand what the drug does (you see this isn’t the person you fell in love with)

    My advice to you- PLEASE FIND THE STRENGTH to let him go, meet someone who is going to work to take care of you and build a REAL LIFE. I believe that you love this guy and this will be the hardest decision you’ve made at this point in your life. But I’m telling you, if you don’t, you will get sucked into this downward spiral (once your parents find out and eventually you will be on your own) Maybe your parents will always support you and you will always have a place to call home, but you deserve to be with someone who will work hard and take care of YOUR NEEDS before their own.

    You may not find this love right away but as soon as you do, you will look back and see this as a waste of time. End it sooner then later before you waste precious years of your life. I still have feelings for my ex (who has now been to jail 3 times and went from snorting it to injecting it)- so im not going to lie, the feelings NEVER go away. But eventually… You will realize you were always better off. Just please, don’t brush off the guy who’s willing to do anything for you for the one who is only looking at what YOU can do for him and then puts you down calling you names. YOU DESERVE BETTER, as did I. And i hope you realize that sooner then later. (We all realize our mistakes in our own time) but thank you for coming here for advice. I hope you really think about the things that can happen if you continue down this dark path, don’t lose yourself. You remind me a lot like me when i was 19-20. We CANNOT always be so nice and caring. We must have a backbone when necessary or men will see that and use you as you get older. Value yoursrlf before all others. I hope all works out for you. Sincerely, A. McCoy

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